Pauline Grebil – Being White

Feminism involves so much more than gender equality and it involves so much more than gender. Feminism must involve consciousness of capitalism (I mean the feminism that I relate to, and there are multiple feminisms, right). So it has to involve a consciousness of capitalism and racism and colonialism and post-colonialities, and ability and more genders than we can even imagine and more sexualities than we ever thought we could name. – Angela Davis

Four years ago, I attended a meeting about intersectionality in Lyon, France. I was sitting alone, waiting for the meeting to start when I saw this quote of Angela Davis projected on the wall behind the desk. I read it and read it again and I wrote it in my notebook. A few months later, I read Angela Davis for the first time. For me this meeting was the beginning of my journey towards understanding the other and the existence of oppressive systems in our societies.

I am Pauline, a French exchange student at the Humboldt University. I’m studying social sciences and gender studies. I’m a 21-year-old non-religious, cis-gender woman. I grew up in a small town in east France, on Germany border. This region is overwhelmingly populated by white people, many of whom share racist or extreme right-wing ideas. I lived there until I was 18-year-old. Even if I didn’t meet a lot of people of color when I was young, my parents are lefties and they gave me the good keys to start in life. After high school, I moved in two different French cities and met there non-white people, some of them became my friends. In September I moved in Berlin, and so to say it was also another “step.”

The first day of class, Wen-Min, asked me if I ever experienced racism. To be honest I didn’t expect this question, and I answered straight away “no”. She told me to think about it. Actually for me, white people in European countries were not experiencing racism.

Then she asked me why I picked up this tutorium then. I said that I was interested in this subject. Indeed, as I told you, I grew up in a left-wing family. When I moved in Lyon, many students in my former university are political and left-wing. Also all my teachers at this time were left-wing and I was, like most of the people who surrounded me, anti- racist, feminist, as I was anti-capitalist. Since some of my friends were people of colour, I witnessed racism several times. I also learned a lot besides them and started to recognize my privileges as a white woman.

Thought, I never really dig in this subject because somehow I had the feeling that I was not really concerned. So when I saw this tutorium in the courses catalogue I picked it up. I think that I accomplished a great journey, or at least the beginning of it, this semester and this is what I will explain you here.

The project “being white”

With two classmates, we chose the subject “being white”. Our aim was to understand how the concept of "race" is created by the difference between two people of different skin colour. And how this concept creates privileges and discrimination. We also tried to question our privileges as white people.

This was actually a difficult subject to deal with and to be honest I was a bit lost. In my opinion, I failed in some of the objectives that I settled up maybe because it is such a vast topic and I didn’t define enough what I was looking for. Nevertheless, I did question white privileges and became much more aware of racist structure with this project. So I guess the objectives are partially fulfilled.

We decided to conduct several interviews with people of colour and white, and to ask them the same questions. I conducted three interviews with close friends. I decided to go through all the interviews and I picked up the parts that I found relevant.

“How has your life been shaped by your race? Colorblindness and the difficulty to talk about race”

„[ich] sehe mich nicht als weißer Mensch oder farbiger Mensch, da mache ich perse nicht den Unterschied und sage “Hey, ich bin ne weiße oder schwarze oder andere person"

I could have said this in the beginning of the semester to be honest. Just because I didn’t know. I didn’t realize, as probably the interviewee that white is a colour. White people’s life are shaped by their race as people of colour’s life does. The colour of skin is one of those categories, like gender, social class, sexuality that created some kind of hierarchy between people. We can’t be “colorblind” and say “race doesn’t count for me” because it does count in the society. One of the people of colour that I interviewed that the same thing, although he is black.

"What does being a person of color means for you?"

"I actually felt always the same as everyone. From the beginning I’m on earth, like I never felt that I’m really something different except just my skin color which makes me different from the other one. In general, you can say everyone is the same so I didn’t really feel something which makes me different from other people."

I think those answers can be called “colorblindness”. Somehow people are “ashamed” of talking about race because it feels uncomfortable. Also, in Europe we learned from a young age that we should not discuss the color of the skin of the people. In France for example it's a big taboo as it is in Germany. Rather than talk about it, people prefer to act as if we all were the same color. This is also what Melanie Bee explains in her essay “Critical Whiteness: False Friend? Teaching a U.S. anti-racism curriculum in Germany”. She explains how the German and the European past made the word “race” taboo.

“Activists and critics in the U.S. continue to use the word ‘race’ with an understanding of this fictionality, whereas the word ‘Rasse’ in German has a Nazi history that renders it unspeakable or taboo. German society has thus produced a number of misnomers to replace that distasteful word ‘Rasse,’ such as ethnische Hintergrund (ethnic background) or Wurzeln (roots, my favorite)” – Melanie Bee in Critical Whiteness: False Friend? Teaching a U.S. anti-racism curriculum in Germany

Intersectionality

I think that I started to be aware of my privileges with my female friends of color. Indeed, like many women I have been sexually assaulted several times in my life. More or less traumatic, these experiences made me realize the urgency of the feminist fight. I also talked a lot about those stories especially with my female friends and I noticed that their experiences were much more violent. I also witnessed those situations several times. Angela Davis thoughts helped me also to understand that oppression can be multiple.

“So earlier you talked about white privilege. Can you share a story or an event where you experienced white privilege or saw it happening?" "It is not obvious. I think privilege is not usually visible. I only realize, and also my white friends realize that there is this difference between our privileges. There is difference between our experiences and they realize they have a privilege. It is usually when we talk about our everyday experiences. So for me the street in Berlin is more violent and more dangerous than for my white friends. And even more so for my white male friends."

“I was sitting at the passenger's seat in a taxi next to the driver, and a soon as he saw me in the taxi he asked why I was black, what were my origins etc. then a cheerful “exotic” music went on the radio and he said that was black music for me. I stopped answering him for the rest of the ride and when we arrived and I started to get out of the taxi, he touched my tigh, blinked at me and asked me if I wanted to stay in the taxi to be his whore of the day.”

The men of colour that we interviewed didn’t really talk about the racism in relationship or dating. This has also to do with the sexual orientation of the people, of course queer men experience this much more than straight ones.

Stereotypes

In re-reading the interviews, I finally realize that racialized people are more strongly affected by society's assertions than white people. They have to "do more to be on the same level" in the eyes of society.

“So when I'm not in a fully “safe” environment such as work, school, etc. where I can be exposed to racism, I tend to always show what's my real worth is so that people do not see me only through my color but through my worth, thus I have always been a good student at school and thus I try to be the more irreproachable at work.”

“When you are better they don’t accept you, you need to tell or show them that. You need at least the double amount of content or like the end result of the day must be better than everyone so this is the most difficult thing you need to live with”

Like the stereotypes about women, they should be polite, kind good-looking and so on. People of colour face a lot of racist stereotypes. Since white people are facing less stereotypes they can be more “who they want to be”. This is definitely a white privilege in my eyes.

“I try to be less shy, than I would normally be because I don't want to fit into the Asian stereotype. And I try to speak louder and pretend I have everything together and in control and not just like nervous and look around even in a situation when I am nervous”

Contextual differences

Finally, I think that the racism really differs from the context. One of my classmates interviewed an afro-american woman and her experience is really different from the other people we interviewed.

“Do you think you are experiencing racism? Can you share a story? Does it differ from public interactions to interactions with colleagues and friends?"

"I do not think that I am experiencing racism. I have always lived in a very welcoming neighborhood and I went to a great high school that was filled with people of all shades who embrace and celebrate diversity. In college, although the amount of people who dislike people of color has become more apparent, I personally have not been a victim of racism.” The French podcast “kiffe ta race” (“enjoy your race”) recently did a special episode with two English women: Sadia Azmat and Monty Onanuga. They share their experiences with two French women: Rokhaya Diallo and Grace Ly. Their experiences of women of color in France and England are not the same. Indeed, the historical and political context of each country is different and this influences deeply the societies nowadays. Also, I interviewed a friend of mine who is a French girl, but she moved recently in Lebanon and she explains that racism in both country is really different.

"There's a strong difference between the racism I have experienced in France and in Lebanon. In France racism is as much systemic as in Lebanon but it is more hidden. In Lebanon racism is asserted by Lebanese people and by the society. In fact, most of the people you see and meet in the country are arab or white, the only black or other raced people you get to see/meet are housemaids and poor workers that have a devaluated social status in the Lebanese society. Lebanese people do not consider raced people as the same as them, they are considering black people as “under humans”. Lebanese people are used to see raced people only in the lowest place in the society's hierarchy so when they meet/see me they are surprised by the way I looked, the way I dress, the way I assert myself. They are not used to see black people living in the same situation of life as them."

Interview's feed back

It was the first time I tried to use the autoethnographical approach. Viewing your own life experiences with theorical glasses appears to be mandatory to understand those studies. I really liked to interview close friends I felt much more comfortable talking with people I know than with strangers As I did with all my previous ethnographic interviews. I even heard stories that I didn’t know and it brought me closer to my friends.

I also wanted to report something unexpected that happened during one of the interviews. One of my flatmate participated to the project. I thought that I know him good, I consider him as a friend and I see him in his everyday life. When we did the interview he was not “really recognizing” the racism that he is facing. I try to question him about situations we already talked about in random conversations but he didn’t really dig in. At first, I was a bit surprised because even though we never really had a proper discussion about racism it was not a taboo topic between us in my eyes. He did tell me some racist situations he experienced. After the interview several theories appeared. First, maybe he didn’t face those inequalities. Second, he was definitely not comfortable with the fact that the interview was recorded. The way I asked the questions, the setting, the words I used were maybe not the right to make him feel confident. But also he didn’t know some concepts like “white privileges” or “cultural appropriation”. I understand that this theoretical keys requires academical knowledges that are not accessible for everyone. But on another hand I had the feeling that he is whitewashing himself by not entirely denouncing what he lives everyday and not taking a strong statement against those prejudices. Even though he knows that as a black german man the society had more exceptions from him than a white man.

“Did you experience or see white privileges?"

"Not really, like that some white people have more and better opportunities and stuff? Not at all, not at all. I also have friends who comes from really good family and par- ents... they also have a good life if I compare it to like to some friends who are from Germany." "How do you define white privileges?" "There is no definition for it I guess, I don’t know how to describe it ..."

"It’s the fact that white people get more easily a job or a flat or..." "Yeah I think its sometimes harder to get a job as black person but this is not about being white or being... this is about people... I don’t know the difficulty, let's go back to this later.”

Conclusion

I realized that even if I don’t “want to be racist”, I am a blond white woman with blue eyes. This is what people see from me and this mean something. To understand it I said to myself “a man is a man”, even if some men are really aware of the gender inequalities and try to be as less oppressive as possible they are still men. Mean they have privileges that I don’t have. It is the same for the skin colour, I will stay white with all that it implies, but I can try to be a better ally and I think this work helped me in this direction.

Bibliography

• White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack - Peggy McIntosh, 1988

• Why I no longer talk to white people about race - Reni Eddo-Lodge, published by Bloomsbury Circus, 2017

• Une lutte sans trêve - Angela Davis, Frederique Popet, published by La Fabrique Edition in 2017 [french collection of unpublished texts]

• Critical Whiteness: False Friend? Teaching a U.S. anti-racism curriculum in Germany - Melanie Bee

• Podcast : We have the women of color we deserve https://www.binge.audio/we-have-the-women-of-color-we-deserve-in-english/

• You can find all the interviews here : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gR1K3puI7z6wBZuV0YVc77xaCMcaszt7qiGmSEKReH A/edit?usp=sharing